Boyfriend-SNATCHER.

Fancy having to resort to imposing a bunch of words on MY guy to imprison him in your tenacious paws. But I guess you have no choice, this being the only way you'd ever be able to coerce young men, available or otherwise, into your undesirable presence.

The government is stealing my boyfriend!

*points an accusing finger at the government* I SMITE THEE!

I have long heard myths of common bathroom rendezvous, and early morning rub-downs (if you get my drift -_-). And of course, the legendary "intelligence-drainer" they have in there.

I can only speculate that the REAL reason our men are getting their hair all chopped off is for better access to the already intellect-starved brains of theirs. This machine, I've heard stands at a monstrous phallic 7-feet, with tubes sticking out of it. These tubes, of course, are inserted through the nose and injected into the brain, where it proceeds to suck out what little wit and wisdom there was, and replaces it with even more testosterone.*x-files theme plays in the background*

I want my boyfriend leaving the army just the way he goes in!

And since I can't steal him away in some dubious sampan waiting at the ferry at 3.51am, I'll have to leave him with some words of wisdom.*nods sagely*

1. If you ever turn into a stinking (pun intended), foul-mouthed, testosterone-driven army boy, I -will- circumcise you. Promptly after which I will dribble a generous amount of honey(or any sticky sweet substance) all over your marred member, and release a farm of ants on you.

2. If you start smoking, I will :

(i) proceed to put Ginger and Fluffy in a room where I will smoke them with a chef's precision till they are ready... For poaching. And after they are cooked, I will present them to a ravenous you, who upon release for the weekend from army, will be gorging down the delectable platter. And then AFTER you're done, i will tell you, with much diabolical pleasure, that you've just consumed your precious pets.(Mwee!)

(ii) cut out a 'window' in your abdomen, remove your abused lungs and replace them with balloons. All this without the reprieve of anaesthetic.

3. If you ever get so depraved and testosterone-controlled that you are inclined to eye a bunkmate's ass(or anyone of the same gender), or *gasps* TOUCH HIM, you will leave me no choice. *song of anticipation* I will have to surgically remove your precious member, store it in a state-of-the-art container filled with nourishing, replenishing nutrients. All this coupled with a dozen specially-trained ninja assassins who will stand guard over your member-in-a-container, ensuring that it never gets stolen. And of course, once you are are released from from army, i will return it to you. Which will prompt you to hug me and kiss me in appreciation and unarticulatable gratitude for saving your very valued member the indignity of looking up another's ass. After which you will shower me with gifts of love(by this i mean bling blings and the like). *beams*


I will think of more things as time goes on... And I'm sure they can only get better(morbider, crueller, whatever.) *SMILES*

I love you!*beams*

And kudos to fengy on her similar post;) She was my inspiration! Mwee!(^^)

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